


Dear Edelgard

by Umbr_el_on



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Crack, Dear Sister, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22982026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Umbr_el_on/pseuds/Umbr_el_on
Summary: Hubert has a strange feeling the night of Edelgard's return, and he decides to write her a letter telling her about what he suspects is going to happen over the next several hours. Unfortunately, all of his predictions come true.This is not meant to be especially serious. Please have fun, and check the author's notes for the warnings and more information about the source material that inspired this!
Kudos: 4





	Dear Edelgard

**Author's Note:**

> This is meant to be a comedic fic inspired by the Saturday Night Live skit Dear Sister (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmd1qMN5Yo0), but there are still warnings to keep in mind. The same content is present in the source material, so if that does not bother you this fic shouldn't either.
> 
> WARNINGS: Violence, blood, and character deaths

Hubert sat at one of the library tables of Garreg Mach, concentrated on drafting a letter. Edelgard was away on business at the moment and due to return soon, but he was preparing this last report on paper in case she were to face delay and need more time or travel. He was nearly finished writing the letter when he heard footsteps. Who else would be in the library at such an hour was beyond him, but he was not left wondering for long.

“Hello, Hubert. What are you doing?” Ferdinand asked, sliding into the chair beside Hubert as Hubert sighed.

“If you must know, I am writing a letter to Edelgard,” Hubert muttered without looking up, his quill scratching a few more letters to finish his thought before it escaped.

“Ah, I see! Quite an important task then,” Ferdinad leaned one of his elbows onto the table and rested his chin on his palm.

Feeling uncharacteristically like sharing–because of the late hour, of course– Hubert decided to let Ferdinand in on some of the letter’s contents. “It’s strange, I… I feel the need to say so much, though she will be back soon. Perhaps–”

Before he could finish his statement, Hubert was hit with an intense pain in his stomach. He looked down to see an arrow shot through his robes. Blood was beginning to stain the fabric, and Hubert touched the wet cloth and held his bloody fingers to observe.

Face contorted with betrayal, he looked to Ferdinand. He had a mini bow in his hands, arms still held in post-firing position. Ferdinand looked both pained and smug, his jaw relaxed despite how pale his face was. They stared at one another, unmoving.

They stared more, for what felt like an eternity. Hubert knew he should have been worse off by now, and Ferdinand did too. Despite knowing he was not dying from the injury, Hubert continued to express his pain at the situation with all of his features. The effect on Ferdinand was clear, his face falling and shock overtaking him as he came to realize the weight of his actions.

Seemingly all at once, Hubert felt drained. He fell to the side and onto the floor with a thud, face turned towards Ferdinand. Ferdinand’s hand flew over his mouth as though he was trying not to be ill. His breathing was heavy and he looked away, unable to face what he’d done. Still clinging to his remaining strength, Hubert did the only thing he could think of.

Collecting magic in his fingertips, Hubert shot a Dark Spikes T at Ferdinand.

It was Ferdinand’s turn to look excessively shocked and betrayed, and he played the part well. He pressed his hands to the glowing purple wound, tears forming in his eyes as he looked up at Hubert. They once again locked eyes for the several endless seconds it took for Ferdinand to fall. His knees crumbled underneath him and he found himself facing Hubert, the mini bow thrown onto the floor between their bodies, just out of either one’s reach.

Footsteps echoed in the hallway as Petra approached the library. She walked around the corner, oblivious to the situation. A joke made by Caspar was lingering in her brain and she wanted to share it with Hubert. “I wish to be telling you something funny–”

Before Petra could finish, Ferdinand picked up the mini bow and fired another arrow. It flew true into Petra’s stomach, and Ferdinand seemed relieved his final expenditure of energy was worthwhile. His hand fell back to the floor, followed by his head. With wide, sad eyes, Petra looked down.

She stared at the impalement for only a few seconds before falling to her knees and then her stomach, the shock hitting her harder than Hubert or Ferdinand. The arrow broke when she landed on it with a crack, seemingly rousing Hubert a small measure. Petra stared at the men, her mouth hanging open.

* * *

Edelgard returned in the darkest hour of night. She put her horses away and unpacked what she needed to, but saved the rest for the morning. Now, she wished to inform Hubert of her return. He was certainly up in the library, busying himself until her return. With a soft smile, she made quick work of the walk to the library. When she pushed open the doors, she gasped at what she saw.

Hubert, Ferdinand, and Petra were dead with a mini bow on the floor between them all. Hubert and Petra had been shot in their stomachs with arrows while Ferdinand had a magic wound on his side. A letter sat open on the table where Hubert and Ferdinand had been sitting, the ink on the end of the quill still wet. With shaking hands, Edelgard picked up the letter. She blinked away tears before she could begin to make out the words of Hubert’s loopy writing.

_ ‘Dear Edelgard, _

_ By the time you read this, I’ll be–’ _

Edelgard groaned when something hit her back. She turned around to find Petra with the mini bow in her hands. Edelgard pieced together that she had fired a shot, and the pain in her back made more sense than she liked. Before she could process the development, another arrow found her chest courtesy of Ferdinand. Her mouth fell open on a silent scream, her lungs preparing to let loose sound. Before she could scream, Hubert hit her with Dark Spikes T to the shoulder.

The trio continued firing at her, each attempt she made to fall interrupted by something. It was almost comical, the way they overdid their assault on her. She lost count of how many arrows had lodged into her, and Hubert’s hand had to be hurting from casting so much magic. Edelgard wanted to laugh, but she couldn’t find the strength to do so as she joined her friends on the floor.

* * *

Seteth had heard the sounds of arrows being fired during his patrol of the halls. Flayn, who stubbornly insisted on joining him, also resolved to investigate with Seteth. They knew Edelgard was returning that night, and wondered if the Kingdom or Alliance had tried to stage an attack while she was relatively unguarded.

Walking to the library, Seteth whistled softly as his eyes roamed. “We’ve got ourselves a bloodbath…”

“Hey Seteth, listen to this,” Flayn called with the open letter in her hands, “Dear Edelgard, by the time you read this I’ll be dead. This is how I think it’s going to happen: Ferdinand will shoot me, then I’ll cast at Ferdinand, then Petra will enter and get hit by Ferdinand. Then you’ll come in and get hit by Petra, Ferdinand, and I multiple times. Respectfully, your advisor Hubert.”

Flayn giggled before she carried on. “P.S. Then two members of the Church of Seiros will read this and shoot each other. Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve–”

Flayn’s words died in her mouth as an arrow from Seteth’s own mini bow got her. Right away she returned the gesture. They stared at one another with irritated expressions, exchanging fire several times. Only after they’d let out all their annoyance at each other did the grief and regret set in. They shared one last look as they both fell to the floor, the room finally growing still now that Hubert’s prediction had come true.


End file.
